21 DPO and still no AF!

I’m so confused and fed up, I’m starting to feel really weepy and keep dreaming of pregnant people!

I don’t believe for a single second that I’m pregnant, the pains and cramps are too intense. If I were pregnant I’d be absolutely worried sick and wouldn’t be able to function. I don’t know if this is my way of dismissing the chance of pregnancy as I think the pregnancy wouldn’t last… I just don’t know, my head is mince!!

The image above is from the Pregnancy Monitor on my Fertility Friend chart, the summary “You are past your usual luteal phase. You may take a test, you may be pregnant!” is somehow offensive to me, probably only because I know I’m not pregnant. Maybe any other month I might still be very hopeful and glad of that little piece of wisdom!

I called the hospital on Monday for the results of my 7 DPO blood test and the nurse said it looked really good and confirmed I did ovulate (which wasn’t such a surprise). I told her my period still hadn’t arrived and that all 3 pregnancy tests I’d taken were negative. I’ve to call back tomorrow if I’ve still not got my period by then. Unfortunately I don’t know what she’ll suggest, just have to wait and see I suppose. I’m kinda thinking they may do a blood test to confirm BFN and then hope they will give me something to bring on AF.

I received a lovely comment from Jan in Australia this morning. You may remember her daughter had a bad reaction to the drugs in her first IVF cycle, you can read it again here “IVF risks“.

Jan did say that it’s difficult for her to watch her daughter go through this and it got me thinking about my own loved ones, namely my sister and my Mum.

I suppose I’ve not really considered how difficult it must be for loved ones to stand by helplessly and watch my journey to motherhood. I know I’d be devastated if it was my sister who had to go through what I’m going through and I’m glad it’s me and not her.

Is it best to tell them everything or not? I don’t know, I suppose I’ll need to ask them but I feel by telling them everything they aren’t worrying about things that don’t exist. I suppose you could say they are worrying about the things that are happening and I feel this is the position I’d rather be in if I were on the other side of this infertility fence.

I know this is the hormones talking and as I sit typing this I’m blinking back the tears (if the boss sees me he’ll no doubt think I’ve lost the plot) but I’d like to apologise to my loved ones, I’m sorry I’ve put them through this, I wish this was one journey we didn’t need to embark on but I’m so glad they are right there with me x

[Via http://infertilityandme.wordpress.com]

Let Clomid begin!

As today is CD 2, I took my first 50mg Clomid pill.

The horrible thing is I’ve had gastroenteritis, I was really ill on Saturday night through to Sunday morning and I’m still not feeling great. As I’ve not actually been sick since Sunday morning I figured it’d be okay to start taking the Clomid…how could I not start taking it, I honestly couldn’t wait another month!

So I’m not feeling too great, got horrible AF cramps and I’ve started taking Clomid and I’m hoping if there are any side effects they’ll wait until the gastro sickness feelings pass, but to be honest if I do get side effects I’m willing to endure them…bring it on!! )

However… DH is now sick too! I’ve been trying to work out when we should start BD and I’m hoping by then DH will feel much better, how selfish of me?

According to what I’ve read, I’m likely to OV 5-9 days after taking my last Clomid pill. So that’s at least 10 days away, plenty of time for DH to get his appetite back )

Can’t wait to get this party started!!!!

[Via http://infertilityandme.wordpress.com]

Various Things...

Hello All…and welcome to ICLWers! An introduction to who I am can be found HERE.

A few housekeeping things:

1) My back is doing much better than this time last week. I am able to walk, stand, and sit. Sitting is the worst, but I try to keep that to a minimum. There are days when it’s almost back to normal and other days when I still need to take a pain pill. However, it’s pretty decent at the moment. Thank you to all who sent healing thoughts and prayers my way….

2) Today was the first day of DH taking Clo.mid to increase his boys. He’ll be on it for six months and then we will do another SA. Let’s keep our fingers crossed!

3) We have decided to try an keep the appointment with the social worker this week. If on Tuesday afternoon we still are not where we need to be with the house, I will cancel it. So, I have two mornings to bang out our work.  Here is the current list:

1) Finish baby proofing (60) (MON) 2) Clean out fridge (40) (MON) 3) Clean out under sink  (30) (MON) 4) Finish Master Bath (20) (Sweeping) (MON) 5) Clean walls (60) (MON) 6) Organize desk (30) (MON) 7) Organize Living room (60)  Clean up dining room (30) (TUES) 9) Clean off patio (30) (TUES) 10) Sweep entrance (10) (MON) 11) Sweep/mop all wood (20) (WED) 12) Vacuum all carpets (20) (WED) 13) Straighten bedroom (30) (WED/THURS) 14) Dust all surfaces (15) (TUES) 15) Clean all blankets. (120) (ON GOING)

Beside each task is a number, that’s how long I think it will take to complete. And then I have listed the days that I need to get it done by. Wow!

4) Bunny asked how I am doing with all of this emotionally. It’s a good question. I feel really hopeful and positive about the nursery and the direction we are moving in. I originally thought that I would be having this room be a nursery for my biological child. That’s a tough pill to swallow some days…that we are still trying. However, I am very thankful to be able to help a baby/tot who really needs a safe place. In putting together the nursery, I have really come to realize that I am ready to be a parent. I am ready to take those steps. 

In some ways, I think this path is something I have been on for a while. I have always taken care of the people/animals/plants who need it the most. Em is a prime example of that. This is just an extension of those acts. 

So, what’s the big news for you this week? 

[Via http://rainingblossoms.wordpress.com]

Stef, this one is for you....

It seems like I’m not the only impatient one around here!

To save Stef over at Baby Blakely too much more angst, I’ve logged in to give you a quick update.

As of waking up this morning, my period has not arrived, although yesterday I felt sure it was just around the corner. I dutifully peed on a stick and got one lonely little line.  I ‘celebrated’ by having a cup of coffee on my way to work this morning.

I feel fine. I was honestly expecting a negative test, so much so that I had a couple of glasses of wine on Saturday night (which went straight to my head – I’m very out of practice at drinking alcohol!).

I expect to be starting my second round of Clomid on Wednesday, or Thursday at a push. I feel positive. To be honest, this part is much easier for me than the 2WW was – I almost lost my mind during that time. I just can’t handle the stagnation, the feeling of helplessness. I feel much better when I can do something proactive, even if it is only popping one tiny pill every night.

The good news is that I’m pretty sure I ovulated on only 50mg of Clomid, and I didn’t get many troubling side effects. It’s hard to complain about a result like that. I should be getting the results of my Progesterone level back today to confirm that I did ovulate.

I spoke to my Mum on the phone last night. She lives overseas. Rather, I live overseas, she lives in our native country. Next month or early March she will either be coming to visit for the weekend or I’ll go home to see her. She wants us to go through some of my baby items that she saved and select something for me to keep at home to give to our baby when it arrives. She is so excited. Isn’t this a lovely idea? Even though I’m her youngest child this will be her first grandchild.

Okay girls, I hope this update has done it’s job! I’ll let you know once I get my Progesterone level back.

Have a happy Monday!

[Via http://theimpatientoptimist.wordpress.com]

An Apology, a Holiday, and an Update

First, an apology

I signed up to ICLW for the first time this month. I had the best intentions but H and I have been away for the last 2 days and I haven’t commented at all during that time. I didn’t even log in! However I did manage to make my quota on the other days, and I ‘met’ some nice new bloggers, so I’m really pleased I took part. 

Second, I thought I’d give you a quick run down on our little holiday

H had to work Christmas this year but when we found out that we were both off work for the following three days we decided to make the most of such a rare occurrence and head out of the city for some R&R. I was able to find a B&B with a vacancy in a seaside town we have previously visited on a day trip. The town Sorrento is located on a peninsula so we were literally surrounded by beaches. 

The B&B was a beautiful quaint cottage from the 1800s and it had been beautifully restored. Check out the photos – specifically the huge bath tub! 

                                                

It would have been a great place for some serious baby-making but the timing meant we had to find other ways to occupy our time. Not difficult! 

On Day One we relaxed, had a beer at the local pub, ate dinner outside in the lovely garden, and fell asleep before the sun went down! 

Day Two consisted of a visit to the rough beaches on the eastern side, a coffee with the view of the ocean (well, chai latte for me since I’m avoiding caffeine), and a short walk up to an observation point. Then we headed down the road to the next town where we had been told there was an amazing pub. We found the pub, and sat in the fabulous back garden with a view of the ocean. I read my book and H did the crossword with the help of a beer. The rest of the day consisted of some quality time with my towel and my book at the inner beach followed by dinner at a local restaurant. 

I had a little ‘IF moment’ while lying on the beach. There were lots of families on the beach, and there was one particular family nearby with two aborable toddlers. I was watching them play in the sea, and I was struck (as I often am) by how much genuine enjoyment children get out of life. These kids were ecstatically happy splashing in the water while mum and dad looked on. And I so badly wanted to see our kids doing that. I wanted to be like all those other families at the beach. I got a bit teary and H noticed and without having to ask he knew why I was upset. He quickly got me smiling and some time later – stating he’d had too much sun for one day – he took himself off for a walk in town. Later that day when we were back in our room, H presented me with a white box. I opened it to find the most adorable little baby shirt. He’s bought it on his walk so that I had something tangible to remind me that we will have a child.

 

On Day Three we headed checked out of the B&B at about 10am, and toured around the peninsula for the day. We stopped at a boutique brewery so H could try the beer (are you sensing a theme here?) and then had a picnic lunch before heading back to the city. 

                             

The highlights? The croissants at the B&B – as good as any I’ve had in France; and the Pizza at the local restaurant – better than any I’ve ever had in Italy!    

Third, a TTC update

I’m thinking about my ovaries. In fact, I think about them quite a lot. I wonder if, after so many months – perhaps years – of sitting dormant, they will know what to do in response to the Clomid. Can old ovaries learn new tricks? Or is it a case of ‘once a dumb ovary, always a dumb ovary’? Hm, I can just picture my lumpy little ovary sitting sullenly in the corner of my pelvis wearing a dunce cap on his lumpy little head. (I’m not sure why I picture my ovaries as male, it seems counter-intuitive. Maybe because I think a well-raised female ovary would have the good manners to ovulate on time, as scheduled).    

Today is CD5 and so far my body hasn’t dared to utter the slightest complaint about the 50mg of Clomid I have been consuming every night. Maybe my body hasn’t even noticed. Long may it continue, I say, just as long as I actually ovulate.    

In good news, the long and frustrating 8 day wait for CD1 after stopping Provera has actually worked out quite nicely, thank you. It means that my MRI scan is scheduled for CD11, and even if  my body turns into an overachiever and I manage to both ovulate and fertilise by CD11, there’s no way in hell that the little blastocyst will have implanted. This means I can get my shot of MRI contrast without fretting about giving birth to a two-headed baby with a voice like Fran Drescher. Thank God, because I really wasn’t looking forward to those nightmares.

[Via http://theimpatientoptimist.wordpress.com]

It's good to feel good!

It is pretty darn strange that though we are all far apart living our own lives, hanging with our own friends, hugging our own families, chilling with our own hubby’s, I feel totally and completely connected to all of you. I mean, it’s getting WEIRD. I woke up a little giddy this morning because I knew Courtney at RWT and Kate at This Place were finding out whether they got those long-awaited, hopelessly hoped-for BFPs. I couldn’t wait to check their blogs. I checked before I even poured a mug of coffee for myself. This is major stuff!!

They got their BFPs!!!!!!

It’s also weird how it can tug at my heart when my friend talks about getting preggo like it’s nothing, but then I can feel pure, straight-up, 110% joy for my cyberspace buddies. I think it’s because we all know how  emotional and scary and stressful this whole TTC thing is. We’re in a secret club of women for whom pregnancy isn’t “no biggie” but a complicated process. Do you know what I mean? When one of us hits the jackpot, we all feel like celebrating. I don’t feel jealous. I don’t feel sad. I feel good. I feel HAPPY!

Now, all of that said, I have to be honest. After I happy-danced for Kate and Courtney, I sorta had a freak-out moment. Because lurking behind all of my joy and excitement, I felt this teenie tiny sense of fear. (Darnit, fear!) What if my body isn’t as lucky as theirs were? What if Clomid and IUI don’t work for me? What if my cyst doesn’t go away? What if, what if, what IF?

I know those are negative thoughts and I’ve already sailed them on their way in favor of more positive ones (Clomid 50mg did something for me so 100mg should be even better, I get to do IUI next month so all the big guns will be in play, most small cysts go away on their own and since I’m not producing hormones mine should, too). DEEP YOGA BREATHS!

By the time I’d showered up and gotten into work , I was thinking this: I am thankful we got two BFPs in our little family of fighters today. It brings me a rather appalling amount of joy and happiness. (What can I say? You guys rock!!!) And I am thankful because it gives me hope.   Screw you FEAR, today, hope wins!! Happy Thanksgiving everyone!!!!!!

[Via http://suchagoodegg.wordpress.com]

So, I'm not pregnant...

But it’s OK. I do have a cyst on my ovary, which the doctor assures me is no big deal. I need to wait until my cyst disappears to go back on Clomid. Well, actually I may have gotten myself taken off of Clomid altogether, but that’s another story.

Through all of this I’m really starting to realize the power of positivity. It’s not always easy and there are times I’m frustrated, upset, and a bit depressed, but then I remind myself that in the larger scheme of things I am blessed in many ways and I’m only in the beginning stages of trying to conceive. There are women who’ve been trying for years and my heart goes out to them.

I don’t know what’s to come, but I do know that assuming the worst without waiting to see what unfolds will only make things much more difficult to deal with. Some of the more skeptical, negative people I know always say they are that way because of what they’ve been through in life. But I think it doesn’t need to be that way. You should always learn from the past, and of course we are affected by and will always be the wiser (and a bit biased) because of our past experiences, but in spite of that, and maybe because of that, I think it’s vital to take each situation as it comes, and try to remain positive. I know I’ve lectured on this before but sometimes I just need to repeat it to keep myself focused.

So, I vow not to get upset, to stay up beat, and to keep on trucking, no matter how long the journey. I know that will not always be the case but I can certainly try. And trying is what I’m all about these days.