An Apology, a Holiday, and an Update

First, an apology

I signed up to ICLW for the first time this month. I had the best intentions but H and I have been away for the last 2 days and I haven’t commented at all during that time. I didn’t even log in! However I did manage to make my quota on the other days, and I ‘met’ some nice new bloggers, so I’m really pleased I took part. 

Second, I thought I’d give you a quick run down on our little holiday

H had to work Christmas this year but when we found out that we were both off work for the following three days we decided to make the most of such a rare occurrence and head out of the city for some R&R. I was able to find a B&B with a vacancy in a seaside town we have previously visited on a day trip. The town Sorrento is located on a peninsula so we were literally surrounded by beaches. 

The B&B was a beautiful quaint cottage from the 1800s and it had been beautifully restored. Check out the photos – specifically the huge bath tub! 

                                                

It would have been a great place for some serious baby-making but the timing meant we had to find other ways to occupy our time. Not difficult! 

On Day One we relaxed, had a beer at the local pub, ate dinner outside in the lovely garden, and fell asleep before the sun went down! 

Day Two consisted of a visit to the rough beaches on the eastern side, a coffee with the view of the ocean (well, chai latte for me since I’m avoiding caffeine), and a short walk up to an observation point. Then we headed down the road to the next town where we had been told there was an amazing pub. We found the pub, and sat in the fabulous back garden with a view of the ocean. I read my book and H did the crossword with the help of a beer. The rest of the day consisted of some quality time with my towel and my book at the inner beach followed by dinner at a local restaurant. 

I had a little ‘IF moment’ while lying on the beach. There were lots of families on the beach, and there was one particular family nearby with two aborable toddlers. I was watching them play in the sea, and I was struck (as I often am) by how much genuine enjoyment children get out of life. These kids were ecstatically happy splashing in the water while mum and dad looked on. And I so badly wanted to see our kids doing that. I wanted to be like all those other families at the beach. I got a bit teary and H noticed and without having to ask he knew why I was upset. He quickly got me smiling and some time later – stating he’d had too much sun for one day – he took himself off for a walk in town. Later that day when we were back in our room, H presented me with a white box. I opened it to find the most adorable little baby shirt. He’s bought it on his walk so that I had something tangible to remind me that we will have a child.

 

On Day Three we headed checked out of the B&B at about 10am, and toured around the peninsula for the day. We stopped at a boutique brewery so H could try the beer (are you sensing a theme here?) and then had a picnic lunch before heading back to the city. 

                             

The highlights? The croissants at the B&B – as good as any I’ve had in France; and the Pizza at the local restaurant – better than any I’ve ever had in Italy!    

Third, a TTC update

I’m thinking about my ovaries. In fact, I think about them quite a lot. I wonder if, after so many months – perhaps years – of sitting dormant, they will know what to do in response to the Clomid. Can old ovaries learn new tricks? Or is it a case of ‘once a dumb ovary, always a dumb ovary’? Hm, I can just picture my lumpy little ovary sitting sullenly in the corner of my pelvis wearing a dunce cap on his lumpy little head. (I’m not sure why I picture my ovaries as male, it seems counter-intuitive. Maybe because I think a well-raised female ovary would have the good manners to ovulate on time, as scheduled).    

Today is CD5 and so far my body hasn’t dared to utter the slightest complaint about the 50mg of Clomid I have been consuming every night. Maybe my body hasn’t even noticed. Long may it continue, I say, just as long as I actually ovulate.    

In good news, the long and frustrating 8 day wait for CD1 after stopping Provera has actually worked out quite nicely, thank you. It means that my MRI scan is scheduled for CD11, and even if  my body turns into an overachiever and I manage to both ovulate and fertilise by CD11, there’s no way in hell that the little blastocyst will have implanted. This means I can get my shot of MRI contrast without fretting about giving birth to a two-headed baby with a voice like Fran Drescher. Thank God, because I really wasn’t looking forward to those nightmares.

[Via http://theimpatientoptimist.wordpress.com]

It's good to feel good!

It is pretty darn strange that though we are all far apart living our own lives, hanging with our own friends, hugging our own families, chilling with our own hubby’s, I feel totally and completely connected to all of you. I mean, it’s getting WEIRD. I woke up a little giddy this morning because I knew Courtney at RWT and Kate at This Place were finding out whether they got those long-awaited, hopelessly hoped-for BFPs. I couldn’t wait to check their blogs. I checked before I even poured a mug of coffee for myself. This is major stuff!!

They got their BFPs!!!!!!

It’s also weird how it can tug at my heart when my friend talks about getting preggo like it’s nothing, but then I can feel pure, straight-up, 110% joy for my cyberspace buddies. I think it’s because we all know how  emotional and scary and stressful this whole TTC thing is. We’re in a secret club of women for whom pregnancy isn’t “no biggie” but a complicated process. Do you know what I mean? When one of us hits the jackpot, we all feel like celebrating. I don’t feel jealous. I don’t feel sad. I feel good. I feel HAPPY!

Now, all of that said, I have to be honest. After I happy-danced for Kate and Courtney, I sorta had a freak-out moment. Because lurking behind all of my joy and excitement, I felt this teenie tiny sense of fear. (Darnit, fear!) What if my body isn’t as lucky as theirs were? What if Clomid and IUI don’t work for me? What if my cyst doesn’t go away? What if, what if, what IF?

I know those are negative thoughts and I’ve already sailed them on their way in favor of more positive ones (Clomid 50mg did something for me so 100mg should be even better, I get to do IUI next month so all the big guns will be in play, most small cysts go away on their own and since I’m not producing hormones mine should, too). DEEP YOGA BREATHS!

By the time I’d showered up and gotten into work , I was thinking this: I am thankful we got two BFPs in our little family of fighters today. It brings me a rather appalling amount of joy and happiness. (What can I say? You guys rock!!!) And I am thankful because it gives me hope.   Screw you FEAR, today, hope wins!! Happy Thanksgiving everyone!!!!!!

[Via http://suchagoodegg.wordpress.com]

So, I'm not pregnant...

But it’s OK. I do have a cyst on my ovary, which the doctor assures me is no big deal. I need to wait until my cyst disappears to go back on Clomid. Well, actually I may have gotten myself taken off of Clomid altogether, but that’s another story.

Through all of this I’m really starting to realize the power of positivity. It’s not always easy and there are times I’m frustrated, upset, and a bit depressed, but then I remind myself that in the larger scheme of things I am blessed in many ways and I’m only in the beginning stages of trying to conceive. There are women who’ve been trying for years and my heart goes out to them.

I don’t know what’s to come, but I do know that assuming the worst without waiting to see what unfolds will only make things much more difficult to deal with. Some of the more skeptical, negative people I know always say they are that way because of what they’ve been through in life. But I think it doesn’t need to be that way. You should always learn from the past, and of course we are affected by and will always be the wiser (and a bit biased) because of our past experiences, but in spite of that, and maybe because of that, I think it’s vital to take each situation as it comes, and try to remain positive. I know I’ve lectured on this before but sometimes I just need to repeat it to keep myself focused.

So, I vow not to get upset, to stay up beat, and to keep on trucking, no matter how long the journey. I know that will not always be the case but I can certainly try. And trying is what I’m all about these days.

A good weekend

Happy Monday! I hope everyone had a fabulous Halloween weekend. Mine was quite productive…I had a lot of WORK to do (wah wah wah), but I did get a bunch done. And I had a couple of nice runs outside. And I made it to YOGA yesterday evening! Yay! My hubs was even busier than I was this weekend, doing a bunch of work on a school project. He was up working until 3am last night, the poor guy. That made it the perfect night for him to cash in on one of the dinners I owe him.

See, for the last few years we’ve played this fun wager game every week during NFL season. We each pick which teams we think will win in all the games being played, and whoever gets more picks right, WINS! The winner gets dinner made by the loser. It is a FUN game. I love football, but I don’t follow it as well as the hubs. He knows more about players and defenses and coaches and injuries…but sometimes I still win. This is a win-win game we play because we both love to cook, but it’s nice to be cooked for every once in a while! (And it’s a fun way to follow football season.) Anyway, he did have a victory dinner coming his way, and we decided on Baked Ziti. Mmm. It’s delish. So before yoga I hit the market to get all of the fixins’, then I whipped it up when I got home from class. And, bonus, it’s a one skillet dish (you put it all together on the stovetop then switch it to the oven), so it couldn’t be much easier. I pasted the recipe below. FYI, it’s from one of my fave resources, Cook’s Illustrated.

Baked Ziti

To complete this recipe in 30 minutes, preheat your oven before assembling your ingredients. If your skillet is not ovensafe, transfer the pasta mixture into a shallow 2-quart casserole dish before sprinkling with the cheese and baking. Packaged pre-shredded mozzarella is a real time-saver here. Penne can also be used here.

Ingredients 1 tablespoon olive oil 6 garlic cloves , minced 1/4 teaspoon red pepper flakes 1 (28-ounce) can crushed tomatoes 3 cups water 12 ounces ziti (3 3/4 cups) 1/2 cup heavy cream 1/2 cup grated Parmesan cheese 1/4 cup minced fresh basil leaves 1 cup shredded mozzarella cheese Instructions

1. Making the Minutes Count: Measure the water and the pasta before you begin cooking. Prep the Parmesan and basil while the pasta cooks.
2. Heat Oven: Adjust oven rack to middle position and heat oven to 475 degrees.
3. Simmer Ziti: Combine oil, garlic, pepper flakes, and 1/2 teaspoon salt in 12-inch, ovensafe nonstick skillet and sauté over medium-high heat until fragrant, about 1 minute. Add crushed tomatoes, water, ziti, and 1/2 teaspoon salt. Cover and cook, stirring often and adjusting heat as needed to maintain vigorous simmer, until ziti is almost tender, 15 to 18 minutes.
4. Add Cheese and Bake: Stir in cream, Parmesan, and basil. Season with salt and pepper to taste. Sprinkle mozzarella evenly over ziti. Transfer skillet to oven and bake until cheese has melted and browned, about 10 minutes. Serve.

After dinner, I hit the sack. But my poor hubs was burning the midnight oil working on exams. So, we decided not to do the deed yesterday, for the first time in eight days! With all of the negative OPKs, the crazy amount of sex we’ve been having sometimes feels a little bit silly. But, luckily we  enjoy it very much, so it’s not a biggie. And this morning, my awesome, cutie-pie hubs asked if we should go ahead and sex it up for good measure. This suggestion came from a guy who was going on four hours of sleep, late to class, and pretty stressed about the day ahead of him. HE IS A GOOD, GOOD EGG!!!

And yes, in case you were wondering, the OPK had yet another faint line today. So far from that dark control line. Argh! I must say, I feel a bit like I’ve been through the ringer, and it’s only Monday! I was SO hoping that the Clomid 50mg dose would register ovulation Friday, Saturday or Sunday. Unforch, my body had other plans in mind. I’m not sure what to think about this. Part of me is like, Oh, well, this happens to some of us, the 100mg dose will do the trick. The other part of me is like, Wait just a minute! Why the heck isn’t this powerful medicine working?! Will it EVER work? I just wanna ovulate!

Anyway. I’m going to try to hit yoga again tonight, because I think I could use the Zen breathing. I don’t know about you guys, but I think about this stuff Way. Too. Much. What in the world did I think about before TTC? It consuuuumes me!

Parched

This increased dosage of Clomid is making me crazy! First of all, I’m thirsty-er than a  mo-fo. Seriously. I drank a gazillion ounces of water today. And then I peed a billion times. Also, I am completely wired! I couldn’t sleep last night and today I was en fuego all day. Like totally ON FIRE! Hoping this nice glass of wine prep me for sleep. I have  a very early meeting tomorrow morning and I need to have my thinking cap on.

I had no idea 3 pills would have this big of a difference. Today is only CD4 so I’m sure there’s more fun stuff in store for me in regard to side effects! Giddy up. Yeeehaw.

Lights out on a Saturday night

Month 4 of the baby-making experiment. This month, we experience the joys of Clomid for days 3-7 of our cycle. I was really looking forward to being psychotic at work while on Clomid, but alas, I have no side effects, and thus cannot rant and rave with impunity. I found a very disturbing website today that tells you not only when to have sex if you are trying to conceive, but how. http://babymed.com/Tools/Fertility/Calendar/Default.aspx.

According to the calendar created for me by this site, on Wednesday, I am supposed to “[h]ave sex with shallow insertion of penis (Missionary position); No orgasm for her; Start Ovulation Predictor Kit and check twice daily; Check Cervical Mucus (CM).”Why do I have to have vanilla on your back missionary sex without an orgasm in order to conceive? I know – you’re thinking that I should just close my eyes and think of baseball, but this seems unfair. Also, this was likely dreamed up by a man. I’ll get right on penciling that on the calendar.

She Says... What now?

Thank you all SO MUCH for your encouragement, support and advice over the past few days. Who knew this babymaking thing could be so complicated?!

Here’s a recap on where we stand:

• First round of Clomid (50mg) started on September 9th (if I had a cycle, that would have been on cycle day 3… since I don’t have a cycle, it was the day I got the drugs in the mail!)
• Started using an ovulation predictor kit (OPK) on September 16th (pseudo cycle day 10)
• I got clear negatives the first few days, and then got somewhat confusing almost-positives on September 19th & 20th
• Then I got the real deal — definitely positive on September 21st (pseudo cycle day 14)
• My willing husband and I “bumped it”, as he jokingly says, every night from September 18th to the 23rd (ok, I guess you all know that the last one was in the afternoon by necessity)
• Then Benjamin left for NYC for work and won’t be back until Saturday night

If the OPK reading was correct, we totally nailed it in terms of timing. In addition to the OPK, I definitely had some physical symptoms that indicate that ovulation occurred on the 21st, including the elusive mittelschmerz (which sounds to me like some sort of Yiddish insult… but is really the term for “middle pain” or cramping from ovulation). Not so comfy. Literally haven’t felt that in, umm, a least a decade… possibly ever! One can never be sure what was going on inside my body pre-birth control. There were a few other symptoms as well, but, in an effort to maintain some sort of personal boundaries, I won’t discuss the details of my cervical mucus on the blog. Ooops, I guess I just did.

So, one would imagine that I’m feeling pretty good right now. Except that I’m not. I’m nervous. And impatient. See, my trusty guide through this process, Taking Charge of Your Fertility, tells me that my temperature should shoot up 12-36 hours after ovulation. The author says a couple trying to conceive should have sex up to and including the morning of the temp shift. If I ovulated on the 21st, then my temp should have shifted this morning. And it didnt. Well, it did a TINY bit (for instance, my normal temps are usually between 97.6 and 98.0 and this morning was 98.2). I was expecting a more dramatic shift. I’ve literally been taking my temperature all day long (and before you respond to this post saying “your temp will shift throughout the day”, “you’re supposed to take it the same time very morning”, blah blah… I know. It’s not rational. But I can’t stop.). So now I’m beginning to doubt my mittelschmerz and the OPK and all the signs that pointed to ovulation a few days ago.

And the real bummer of it all is that I won’t be able to confirm or deny any of these things until October 6th. I have an appointment at Dr. P’s office for a pregnancy test. DID YOU HEAR ME?! MY VERY FIRST PREGNANCY TEST THAT COULD BE POSITIVE! Could someone please fast forward to then? Please?

Anyone out there in the blogosphere have experience with temp charting after ovulation? How much does it really go up? Is it possible that it won’t go up, but I still ovulated? How’s a girl to know?

She Says... Clomid: The Recap

I just popped my last of 5 Clomid pills. I am happy to report that I haven’t had any of the horrendous side effects some other people did. I have taken the pill every night before bed, which I heard was the best way to avoid some of the potential dizziness and nausea. After I take it, I do feel a little woozy/sleepy, but since I’m already going to bed, it’s not a problem. Now we start the clock! I’ll start using an ovulation predictor kit on Wednesday, and I’m also still charting my temperatures every morning. Apparently between the two, we should know if I ovulate. The ovulation predictor kit will tell me when I’m ABOUT to ovulate (a.k.a. when it’s time to bump and grind), and the temperature shift should indicate that I just did (or that it is happening right then). Cross your fingers for me that the Clomid worked and ovulation occurs later this week!

I am generally a relentlessly realistic person. While I enjoy dreaming about the future, I’m very rational about what is and is not possible; sometimes to my more idealistic husband’s dismay   This time, however, I’m all unicorns and rainbows rose-colored glasses. I am REALLY positive about the Clomid working. And me ovulating. And the sperm finding the egg and all the magical stuff that needs to happen after that to make me pregnant. I know things haven’t gone according to plan up until now, but for some reason I just feel like everything is going to fall into place beautifully from now on. While my brain knows that it can often take several cycles to figure out the correct amount of Clomid needed to stimulate ovulation, and that even if I DO ovulate, AND we have sex at the right time, we STILL only have a 20% chance of conceiving; my heart is bursting with excitement and anticipation that it just.might.happen.this.week. I’ve already calculated out the potential due date if it works, and estimated how cute my belly will be for things like Christmas and friends’ weddings, etc. It’s hard not to.

Benjamin has been doing his best to be the rational one while my normally realistic brain is on a little vacay. But honestly? Between you and I? I am really, really, really optimistic.

She Says... It's like Christmas!

Look what Santa the Fed-Ex man brought… CLOMID!

And, although I hope we won’t need it, injectible Ovidrel (more on this later). Check out the packaging for this bad boy. It has to be refrigerated upon receipt, and is only good for 30 days, so it comes in its own little cooler (styrofoam, yuck) with its own little ice packs.

And now it has found a new home nestled in our ‘fridge, right next to the hummus

Here’s the dealio. Since I am not ovulating I do not have set “cycle days”. I can essentially start a cycle whenever I want. And I wanna start NOW. So tonight I’m going to pop the first of five Clomid pills. That makes today Cycle Day 3. The timeline for the next two weeks looks like this:

• Today (Cycle Day 3), start 5 days of Clomid pills. I’ll take one pill each night before bed to minimize yucky side effects like dizziness, nausea and drowsiness (and also hopefully avoid some of the other not-so-nice side effects mentioned here).
• Next Wednesday (Cycle Day 10), I will start using an Ovulation Predictor Kit to figure out if the Clomid did its job.
• If I haven’t ovulated by the following Monday (Cycle Day 15), I am supposed to call Dr. P’s office and schedule bloodwork and an ultrasound (just like I did here) for Tuesday, Cycle Day 16.
• If the ultrasound shows that I have a healthy looking follicle at the ready, but it just hasn’t been triggered yet, Benjamin and I will be instructed to use the injectible Ovidrel at home. I say “Benjamin and I” because I do not think I will be able to stick myself with a needle. Benjamin’s going to have to do it. But we’re hoping we won’t have to do that.
• In theory, the injectible stuff will force me to ovulate, so we’ll try try try to make a baby then.

So, one way or another, I’m feeling very optimistic about getting preggo by the end of the month! I daresay my hopes are too high, but that’s an issue for another post. For now, it’s pill popping time! Wahoo! Here we go…

[Via http://thisplaceisnowahome.wordpress.com]